Lobster Rolls and Croquet

I've been gone for a while, huh? Those vacations really take it out of you. Although I have to say, I really think more people need a good vacation. Keeps us all slightly less psychotic.

The Lawyer from Southie took me up for a weekend at his family's home on the coast of Maine. In order to get there, we had to drive, then take a ferry, then drive again. I mentioned the rain, right? The rain was torrential. We snaked up the coast of Maine going about 30mph in the dark, with a rainstorm that was sure to wash the outlets at Freeport away. TLFS started referring to our camera as "The Black Box," only because if we were found dead, the video of us driving in the thunder and lightning, rocking out to Def Leppard and dodging huge bolts of THE LORD'S WRATH would be the only thing to let our family know that we loved them. But we got to the ferry early in the morning, meeting four other couples who would be going over with us. The Lawyer from Southie's brother, The Financial Analyst from Bethesda, was coming up with his wife, Daisy Buchanan, and their friends The Press Secretary from the Hill and The Businessman with an Incredible Baritone Voice. They were all friends from college and sailing in Annapolis. In addition, there was The Contractor from Connecticut and his wife The Interior Designer from Greenwich, along with The Audi Dealer of Connecticut and his wife, the Stay at Home Mom (SAHM, or Shit Ass Ho Motherfucker) of Connecticut. I'd met both couples before and adored them both, so I knew we were in for a good time. We made a good-looking group of tourists, don't you think? Unfortunately, not pictured are the Contractor from Connecticut and the Interior Designer from Greenwich.

Ok. So here is the thing about Maine. If you love Maine, then it by proxy means that you also love mosquitoes and rainstorms. You love fog. You love grocery stores that don't necessarily stock anything besides milk and salt cod, you love Sundays when all the lobstermen take a break to get blessed by the local priest and then race their boats. You have to suspend your love of lattes, public transportation, and pilates in order to really find peace in Maine. Once you do that, you're golden. I mean, more than golden. You are platinum. You reach a moment of bliss when you realize you don't even know where your Blackberry is, your entire day is planned around an approaching cloud, and the best thing you've done all morning is convince the man you love to take a nap with you. At this point, you realize that you really, really love Maine, mosquitoes, fog and all.

But if you are with the Lawyer from Southie and the Financial Analyst from Bethesda, loving Maine includes one more element. Croquet.

They play a lot of croquet. I know what you're thinking - you're imagining Alice in Wonderland and a wicked queen, or perhaps Shannen Doherty in a horrible blazer reading Moby Dick and trying to ruin the life of Martha Dumptruck. Yes, these are all croquet related. But croquet with the Lawyer from Southie and the Financial Analyst from Bethesda is taken to a new level. It is played with the cunning and determination of gulag prisoners, Bombay panhandlers, and Mary Kay salespeople. They are fierce.

So if you've never played croquet before, here are the rules, as explained to me by the Lawyer from Southie and the Financial Analyst from Bethesda.

Rule 1: Wait for your turn.

Rule 2: When it is your turn, try to hit your ball through the little wicket.

Rule 3: When you miss the wicket because you are such a shitty croquet player, try to hit the other person's ball with your ball. Just tap it, TAP IT DAMMIT, don't whack it like that, because then you aren't doing anyone any good. My god.

Rule 4: Since you whacked the ball so hard, you have to blast them into the field. The field is the area of tall grass, but it is also the area where the drainage pipe lets out, so hit it as far as you can into the field and send them into some sewage. At this point, you position your foot overtop your own ball, which is sitting up against your opponent's ball. You will now attempt to hit your foot, or your ball, as hard as possible with a large mallet, called The Blaster, which has been hand crafted by The Audi Dealer of Connecticut in his Huge-ass Woodshop of Horrors. The Blaster is a 42lb mallet made out of oak, and now you are going to swing this mallet and try your damndest to keep your eyes open so that you hit the ball, and not your foot. Did you hear me? You weren't looking at me. Hit the ball, not your foot. No, come back here. You can do it. I won't do it for you, and stop giving me the finger. NO, MACDUFF, PUT THAT BOOK DOWN. YOU WILL NOT ABANDON THE COURSE FOR THE TWILIGHT SERIES.

It's a delicate ballet, as all good contact sports are.

The Financial Analyst from Bethesda is here blasting The Lawyer from Southie's ball into the field. Please note the expression of exquisite joy on his face.

And here, the Audi Dealer from Connecticut is waiting to blast the Businessman with an Incredibly Baritone Voice's ball. Note the fact that he has changed out of one flip flop, and is wearing his special blasting shoe. Now that is commitment to ruining other peoples' games. You should have seen him at Monopoly. I was in tears.

So thank the Buddha for lobster! Because, I mean, if anything brings a group of wet, competition-raging individuals together, it's cooking! We had lobster every night for dinner, in one form or another. There was lobster bisque, lobster Benedict, steamed lobsters, and eventually lobster rolls. These TLFS and I made the last day, as we were packing up and cleaning out the fridge. I found all the leftover lobster claws and tails, and made us a nice little lunch.

A couple of things, if you want to make a legitimate lobster roll that a Mainer will eat. First of all, go easy easy easy on the mayo. The idea is to create something that will meld the lobster bits together, but not create a spread of any kind. There are countless "Best Lobster Roll" contests in New England every year, and the Mayo Gauge is absolutely significant. I don't think I used more than a tablespoon in this recipe, to about two tablespoons of the yogurt.


Second, keep the greens to a minimum. I actually had no choice in this matter, as the island grocery had absolutely no idea what a scallion was, and all our celery disappeared on Day 2 in various bloody marys.


I would, however, advise more lemon juice, salt, and pepper than Ellie recommends in the recipe.

We ate these on hot buttered rolls, which are top loaded and buttered at TLFS's request. I'm not sure if you can get these outside New England, but they're all the rage here - hot dog buns that have the slit at the top instead of the side. And there was no hope in finding whole wheat rolls - sorry. We loved the recipe, although we love Maine, and hence we love lobster, and long walks on rocky beach shores, mosquitoes, fog, and croquet. Perhaps we're just weird.

Recipe as follows.

• 1/2 cup nonfat plain Greek-style yogurt or 2/3 cup regular, plain nonfat yogurt
• 3 tablespoons mayonnaise
• 1 stalk celery, finely chopped
• 1 tablespoon chopped scallion greens (about 1 scallion)
• 1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice
• 1 pound cooked lobster meat or cooked shrimp, cut into 1/3-inch pieces (about 2 1/2 cups)
• Salt and freshly ground black pepper
• 4 whole-wheat hot dog buns
• 1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil

Directions

If using regular yogurt, place it in a strainer lined with paper towel and set the strainer over a bowl. Let the yogurt drain and thicken for 20 minutes.

In a bowl, stir together the thickened or Greek-style yogurt, mayonnaise, celery, scallion and lemon juice. Fold in the lobster meat and season, to taste, with salt and pepper. Chill until ready to use. Just before serving, open the hot dog buns and brush the inside with olive oil. Heat a grill pan over moderately high heat and grill the bread, cut side down, until toasted, about 3 minutes. Fill each with 3/4 cup of the lobster mixture and serve immediately.

Per Serving:

Calories 340; Total Fat 14 g; (Sat Fat 2g, Mono Fat 5 g, Poly Fat 6 g) ; Protein 29 g; Carb 25 g; Fiber 3 g; Cholesterol 85 mg; Sodium 720 mg