A Very Long Goodbye.

A few weeks ago, I was commuting home and I saw this woman sitting with a little boy on her lap. He had a cowlick, and she was doing her best to get it to lie flat on his head. She licked her hand and petted it, she held it down for several seconds and then stroked it, all trying to get it to lie flat. And I looked at her, and him, and thought of my fiance, and how he has a cowlick that I have to be carefully aware of whenever I cut his hair. I have to make sure it stays long enough so that it won't stick up erratically, and he watches me like a hawk as I clip away, making sure I do it correctly.

I love that cowlick. To me, it makes a grown man look like a mischievous boy. I noticed it on our first date, and it's never once ceased to make me smile. Sometimes it's the first thing I notice about him, sometimes the last, but I always see it and fall in love with him all over again.

A part of me wanted to tell that woman - look, one day, years and years from now, another woman is going to love your son's cowlick more than you could ever imagine. Right now she's a little girl growing into the woman he's going to marry, the woman he's going to love for the rest of his life, and so don't disappoint her by trying to change his hair so early. Maybe just let it be for now, leave it alone and let it stick up, let him grow into it until he's ready to have her cut it for him. But don't worry - she's going to absolutely treasure it.

When I realized what I was thinking, I realized that I have to close down this blog. I'm not doing this because I want to, or because I feel like I have better things to be doing now that I'm engaged, but because I love the Lawyer from Southie so much that I want to protect our life together. Because for the last three years, while I've been writing this blog and running around being ridiculous, I've been stalked by a Pennsylvanian man who now uses this blog to see what I'm doing often as many as 20 times a day. And while this blog is many things, I'm uncomfortable with it being fodder for madness.

I could name off a litany of things he's done - to not just myself, but to everyone around me. He creates fake profiles, either of strangers or of my friends, and then attacks me, my family members, my friends. He sends emails to my coworkers and harasses them. He harassed my sister in law until she took down her wedding website. There are over 40 profiles on Facebook that I have to actively block, and more pop up daily. At one point, there was a blog where he wrote posts pretending to be a horrible version of myself, posting pictures that I had taken with my camera. When you look at the amount of time he spends creating fake profiles, seeking out my friends, coworkers and family, and reading my blog eighteen times a day, you think to yourself "This loser makes stalking her a full time job." And that is exactly what he does. We sit here and watch as his IP address checks this website at 10am, then at 10:25am, 11:15, 1:20pm, 4:30, 7:00, 8:10, 10:35, 11:35, 12:25, 1:35, and 1:55 throughout a single day. It's unsettling to me on a level I never knew possible. And at this point in time, I have to end things.

Because honestly, I want to be that woman commuting with her little boy someday soon. And I don't want that little boy to have a stalker, much less a stalker that I invite with my random blog posts. I don't want that little boy to be afraid that one day Mommy is going to get hurt, or even worse, that he might get hurt. I've already subjected my friends, my mother, my brother, and my sister in law to a violent bully, and I'm ready to draw the line.

To any women out there who are dealing with similar situations, I can only tell you to be smart. Talk to a lawyer - they're often free when stalking is involved. Talk to your local police department, let them know that you're being actively harassed because that way if anything happens to you, action will be swift and in the right direction. Read your blog statistics and know how to trace IP addresses. Keep a log of everything. Tell your family members, your coworkers, your boss and your friends. Don't take anything for granted. Carry mace, and know how to use it.

And if you're in a relationship with a violent bully, someone who pushes you around and then tells you it's your fault, someone who yells at you and then tries to make you pity him, listen to yourself when you hear your brain start wondering whether or not you can do better. Because believe me, you can do better. It takes a long time, and a lot of self discovery, but you can do better. There is a Laywer from Southie out there for every Lonely Sidecar.

I think often about the idea that little girls are taught to expect knights in shining armor. The feminist in me argues that it's misogynistic and wrong, but the historian in me wonders what those generations before us were trying to communicate. All I can say is this: it takes a lot to become a knight. It takes self discipline, a tireless work ethic, a reputation beyond flaw. There are so few men who fit this bill, it's easy to see why people can spend an unhappy lifetime searching crowded bars, internet dating websites, singles nights.

But I have to tell you that it's worth the wait when you do find that knight. It's worth it when you find that man who changes your life, who makes you become a better, stronger, smarter person. It's worth it when you realize that everything you've ever asked for is inside one person, that the universe created a soul mate for you but simply stipulated that you had to find him on your own. You can't find your soul mate when you're hanging out with violent bullies. You can't run out to meet your knight in shining armor if the ugly dragon is keeping you locked up in the tower.

I've loved writing this blog over the last year and a half. I absolutely love so many of the people I've met through it, and I've learned so much from so many people. So many writers out there have brought themselves into my home with their ideas for crafts and cooking. I've read books you've told me to read, I've sought out restaurants you've told me to try. I've loved this experience more than many others I've had in my life. But I love a man more, now. And because he and I want to move on with our life together without a dragon hovering outside, we have to close up shop.

I want to thank you for reading my blog, for trying my recipes, for helping me out of some terrible situations, for celebrating with me during the amazing adventures. Where some things end others begin. And I am at a point in my life where I am so happy, I cannot hold back my enthusiasm for what's next.